I have some fears...

I'm kinda afraid of some choices I have to make right now...

My life since I have moved to Arizona has been quite an adventure. Just for me to stay I felt like I had too much to accomplish and yet every little detail just worked out so smoothly. That is how I knew that me staying was right and that it was good.

But lately I have been feeling a lot of doubts in myself. In my heart I know that here is where I need to be, but also where I WANT to be. But right now my life feels like it is on a complete stand still in every aspect imaginable. And I am doubting in my ability to make good decisions right now. I feel like I have lost my touch... I don't know. It seems like I do not really know what is a good decision and what is not. And maybe in the grand scheme of things my decisions that I have to make right now are not that big but right now they seem like Mount Everest.

I know that when we plan things out, well let's just say the plans always change. In fact i have almost given up on planning. Cause everytime i do plan something it changes... it always changes and it is somewhat frustrating! And it is hard to deal with it sometimes. Having that trust in the Lord to allow all the change is difficult even when you know full well that He loves you and He knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for you...

But yet, I feel no moving forward in my life right now. And the biggest cause of it is myself. Isn't it almost always ourselves though?? I have this feeling that if I finally decide to go through with this one thing that my life will finally feel like it is back in motion. But by doing this one thing my life will change. I pretty much know that without a doubt it will change. But the thing is I have no idea if it will feel like it is for the best or not.

What do I mean by that? I mean that what happens in our life is always for the better in the end because what goes down will always be for our benefit in our little knowledge department. We can learn and progress. But sometimes at first when things do not go the way planed, expected, or hoped for our life seems like it is breaking. And in that moment things seem like there is no possible way this was for the best! But then after the tempest passes and our internal seas are calmed we reflect and say, "It was for the best!"

Wouldn't life be easier if we could look at it with that perspective as soon as it happens? But the truth is without the tempest raging we would have never ever came to that new perspective. We need life to be tossed around all over the place so we can see it from a different angle to have those new insights.

So basically I can't be a big baby. I can't be a chicken anymore. It is time to take a risk and hope for the best because the possibility of what could be is soooo worth it. And if it does seem to be sour now I have that faith and hope that one day it will be sweet to me. It is scary and hard initially but I got to stretch myself at times to help there be some forward movement in my life.

My life is like a pond right now. It may be full of water but it is stagnant. And  the state of being stagnant is not something I openly welcome. It is time for me to make some decisions and to be quite honest I am terrified, but I know that I have many loved ones that are rooting for me. And so I know that I can do this despite how much I am quivering inside.