I have some fears...

I'm kinda afraid of some choices I have to make right now...

My life since I have moved to Arizona has been quite an adventure. Just for me to stay I felt like I had too much to accomplish and yet every little detail just worked out so smoothly. That is how I knew that me staying was right and that it was good.

But lately I have been feeling a lot of doubts in myself. In my heart I know that here is where I need to be, but also where I WANT to be. But right now my life feels like it is on a complete stand still in every aspect imaginable. And I am doubting in my ability to make good decisions right now. I feel like I have lost my touch... I don't know. It seems like I do not really know what is a good decision and what is not. And maybe in the grand scheme of things my decisions that I have to make right now are not that big but right now they seem like Mount Everest.

I know that when we plan things out, well let's just say the plans always change. In fact i have almost given up on planning. Cause everytime i do plan something it changes... it always changes and it is somewhat frustrating! And it is hard to deal with it sometimes. Having that trust in the Lord to allow all the change is difficult even when you know full well that He loves you and He knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for you...

But yet, I feel no moving forward in my life right now. And the biggest cause of it is myself. Isn't it almost always ourselves though?? I have this feeling that if I finally decide to go through with this one thing that my life will finally feel like it is back in motion. But by doing this one thing my life will change. I pretty much know that without a doubt it will change. But the thing is I have no idea if it will feel like it is for the best or not.

What do I mean by that? I mean that what happens in our life is always for the better in the end because what goes down will always be for our benefit in our little knowledge department. We can learn and progress. But sometimes at first when things do not go the way planed, expected, or hoped for our life seems like it is breaking. And in that moment things seem like there is no possible way this was for the best! But then after the tempest passes and our internal seas are calmed we reflect and say, "It was for the best!"

Wouldn't life be easier if we could look at it with that perspective as soon as it happens? But the truth is without the tempest raging we would have never ever came to that new perspective. We need life to be tossed around all over the place so we can see it from a different angle to have those new insights.

So basically I can't be a big baby. I can't be a chicken anymore. It is time to take a risk and hope for the best because the possibility of what could be is soooo worth it. And if it does seem to be sour now I have that faith and hope that one day it will be sweet to me. It is scary and hard initially but I got to stretch myself at times to help there be some forward movement in my life.

My life is like a pond right now. It may be full of water but it is stagnant. And  the state of being stagnant is not something I openly welcome. It is time for me to make some decisions and to be quite honest I am terrified, but I know that I have many loved ones that are rooting for me. And so I know that I can do this despite how much I am quivering inside.

BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE!!!!

So pretty much this was the BEST weekend of my life thus far.

My first concert, the lake, and some good time with friends... need I say more??

Really I just have amazing friends and an amazing life here in Arizona. My roommates are absolutely fabulous and I have friends who love to have a good time. What more can I ask for? Really I am living a life of bliss. 

So back in November Kristin comes rushing in our little apartment and whips out her lap top quickly muttering something about having to buy tickets???

When she finally calmed down a bit she told me that one of her favorite bands called Sigur Ros is coming to Phoenix and she has to buy tickets... well we got to talking and she found out that I have NEVER been to a concert!! She kinda freaked and she bought me a ticket for my Christmas present. Cool roommate, I know!

So finally this very weekend the long awaited day for me arrived! The day of my first concert!!! 

I had no idea what to expect... we went and no joke folks we were right by the stage. Here is a picture for proof.

Look... here is the curtain we were all waiting for it to crash down!

So yeah I was close. And the band was amazing. They blew my mind away. Totally flawless and just complete and pure talent. I loved it. I loved it all. 

 See... it was spectacular!! The band played for two hours! But there is no one else that I'd rather have my first concert experience with than my two roommates! Thank-you! Thank-you Kristin for the Christmas present!!! I am no longer a concert virgin! :) haha

 But.... my fantastic weekend did not end there...

No it did not! 

Cause Saturday I got to go to the LAKE!!!! 

And even though it was a bit choppy just being on a boat makes me sooooo happy!! Let me tell ya! There really is not a lot of things out there better than the sun on your skin and the lake beside you. 

So I wakeboarded like I do when I get the chance to be behind a boat. And the water was choppy, but I figured hey... who knows if it is gonna get better? So I just kept on going out to jump. Finally the boys in the boat yelled out for me to stay behind the boat because they were trying to get me to better water... oops. My bad guys. 

So we get there. We get to nice water and what do I do?? I go out for a jump of coarse... but in the process of landing well something went wrong. The nose of my board decided to dive right into the water. So my other leg then decides it does not want to be confined in the bindings anymore and it freed itself, it freed itself good. So good in fact that it flung out. Too bad my back did NOT like that move and so it got tweaked. Now there was a moment that I sat there in the water and almost put my free foot back into the bindings to carry on, but then the pain in my back disagreed. It had a strong argument so it won. Jared pulled me to the boat and I slowly worked myself up on the swim step. However, Jared seemed to get a kick out of the fact that I was in pain so he took a picture. You wanna see??? I know you do... so I will share it with you.

So there you have it! haha I must say it doesn't look too different from me laughing? Anyone else picking up on that or is that just me? But oh well. Yes I do feel pain. Obviously to Jared it was picture noteworthy. hahaha He did move out of the way so that I could take his seat. And after that I just sat there and stayed in that spot. My back started to feel better towards the end of the day and I was seriously thinking about going again, but I had a friend who told me that I probably shouldn't because it is pretty rough out there. So thankfully I listened to that friend cause on the way to the docks my back was in some serious pain as it was. 

But hey I was happy cause I got to be outside at the lake with great people! And I did got some wakeboarding in. So I really can't complain at all. 

Then I get home and my roommate is throwing a party. So I quickly change and well quite frankly I drugged up. I had some vicodin and I popped one in. And good thing I did because later we all decided to go to a bar...

Okay, so I did not know that this place we were heading to was a bar. So I did not bring my ID and well I am not 21 yet... So we told them that we came all the way from Tempe and I forgot my ID. They let me go. MMMMMMHHHHHMMM! I look older than what I am Iguess. And that was without make-up on! And okay so in a few short months I will be 21, but still... It was sweet! And lets just say I had a blast! Sure a portion of that may have had to do with the fact that I was on drugs. But we danced and I enjoyed it. And I got to spend time with  Jared, Mikayla, Tepori, Matt, Cary Anne, and Jesse. So of coarse it was a blast! But seriously as weird as it sounds I really enjoyed my time at that bar! Ha And it was not because I drank... I don't do that folks. :) It was because I got to country swing dance with some awesome guys and hip hop dance with some wonderful ladies. 

Today my back hurts, but the bar was worth it! ha this whole weekend was worth the lack of sleep as well! Seriously the best weekend of my life!